NOT GOOD ENOUGH

At this stage, nothing I say will change things.
So why post on the blog?

Well, looking back, the motivation has been depleted as most of the time I am taking lashings

Almost everything I do on a daily basis, gets a reprimanding. Even when i take time to swallow things in my mouth before answering, I get a lashing for not answering fast enough.

Things like what i say to others in front of you, I get scolded also coz my words don't seem to come out right (to you only or to the person, i dunno). But nothing that i do seem to not get a comment from you.

Decision to not do certain things at certain times, also gets scolding.

Yesterday, the intention was simple, since you told me its your dream/obejective to work overseas, then i feel that you should have stayed on and guarantee your ticket to do so. That is an attitude of a fighter. That aim will motivate you. So thats all i asked or probed for. IF i had said things in the wrong context or make things sound bad I apologize. Guess the break it part was the leeching bit.

I don't ask for equal standing, but at least, if we want to do it, we don't need to have to worry if the other has no job, or no independecy in securing a future. If we put things into perspective on a role reversal, if i so damned wish i can work overseas, i will make sure i can get there and if any chance of other opportunities come along i will weigh in the fact if i can or cannot develop that new path overseas. If i cannot, I may have 2nd thoughts and if i choose the latter i will be prepared not to be able to go. So if say you, you get a chance to go now, but you are divided. I wun keep pushing or edging you, and start daydreaming about myself enjoying the sights and sounds of overseas life. To me, you choose, I won't take sides to keep urging or dissuade you from going.

Anyway,what pleases you? I duno, i think i lost that... and i think its only human in me, or it can be any other man.... upon receiving this kind of treatment will have a punctured confidence and losing his voice in a relationship.

Anyway, i know you despise my family, my background. It's ok. But i think you got it wrong that u think i m not a fighter, i am a fighter, I am not throwing in the towel . Now , i just lost alot of my confidence thanks to the scoldings that i receive on almost a daily basis, but I will make sure i get some where, just that now i need to get my bearings.

Just continue to insult me and my family.

And if you want to walk away, I won't stop you. You deserve a more driven guy, someone who won't feel down after being scolded by you on almost a daily basis.

I am disappointed.