Please forgive me

Dearie,
I'm really sorry for what I did today. I know it caused a scar, and a visible scar. A scar that will remind us everyday of what happened today. I'm sorry I couldnt control my temper. I'm sorry that I hurt you so deep. I know you are heartbroken, and I know no matter what I say now, it will not heal the scar.
I promise you that I will not flare up like today. I promise I will try to control my temper. I promise that I will not be so rash anymore. I promise to be your good gf, and your good wife in future. I will put you before myself. I will not neglect your feelings. But at the same time, can you also try to understand our predicament? Try to understand where I'm coming from? And also try to be a bit less stubborn?
We both want to be together, till we are old and greying right? So can we please work hard together at our rs? Everytime we get angry, lets just calm down, not provoke each other further, but work things out together peacefully.
Can we not let our EE go to waste? Let's remember it well, remember what was taught, remember what we should do to maintain our rs well.
I love you dearie, and I know I've caused you so much disappointment and hurt. And today, I did not expect to be capable of doing such a thing. I'm very sorry, and I cannot forgive myself.
So to make things up, I will thrive to make things better in future. I know that we both are jumpy, becoz we both want a perfect home and wedding, but under so many constraints. Let us be understanding to each other, and set the perfect home for you and I.
Please forgive me.

Weekend of our Discovery

Shilly,

I know we always quarrel, but it is always trivial.

I am sorry if i have always been short tempered and i know i am always fast to anger....

I think some times the words u say can put me on the defence, especially when u say things that mean something to me, i feel threatened.

And also i get really affected when its like i dun get to hear wat u have got to say...

Thank you for taking this step with me, going thru EE and also attending RCIA to journey on life together. I know we can make it.! lets not doubt or poke at each other, but if there are things that u feel not right, we can chat on it... in a peaceful manner....

Anyway, i can't sleep, coz of work and also anxiety about getting the keys tomorrow.
EXCITED!... a place.... lets discuss on our reno plans and let our discussions take root into how the reno will be done.

Also, this week will be eventful, our anniversary, our house keys, my last day.. altogther in one week....

From Kuwait:

Shilly! I Miss YOU!!!!! DO YOU MISS ME??? HA!

Leave!

Finally able to take leave! And the day was spent..... at Sentosa!!! Burning ourselves under the scorching sun.. Not many photos, so here goes:

And then, we went all the way to RELISH, to find that it's closed for lunch at 3!!! =(

We settled for the Sakae buffet... and perhaps it was the sun.. but for the record, Dearie whopped down 2 bowls of udon, 4 servings of fruit (shared with me), 2 mochi ice cream, among other many plates of sushi. And here's the satisfied dearie after all the food..

See the picture perfect Luaie??? YOURmodel pose ... hiak hiak..

And the day was gone.. just like that..

But I'm contented, and wish everyday will be like today.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

At this stage, nothing I say will change things.
So why post on the blog?

Well, looking back, the motivation has been depleted as most of the time I am taking lashings

Almost everything I do on a daily basis, gets a reprimanding. Even when i take time to swallow things in my mouth before answering, I get a lashing for not answering fast enough.

Things like what i say to others in front of you, I get scolded also coz my words don't seem to come out right (to you only or to the person, i dunno). But nothing that i do seem to not get a comment from you.

Decision to not do certain things at certain times, also gets scolding.

Yesterday, the intention was simple, since you told me its your dream/obejective to work overseas, then i feel that you should have stayed on and guarantee your ticket to do so. That is an attitude of a fighter. That aim will motivate you. So thats all i asked or probed for. IF i had said things in the wrong context or make things sound bad I apologize. Guess the break it part was the leeching bit.

I don't ask for equal standing, but at least, if we want to do it, we don't need to have to worry if the other has no job, or no independecy in securing a future. If we put things into perspective on a role reversal, if i so damned wish i can work overseas, i will make sure i can get there and if any chance of other opportunities come along i will weigh in the fact if i can or cannot develop that new path overseas. If i cannot, I may have 2nd thoughts and if i choose the latter i will be prepared not to be able to go. So if say you, you get a chance to go now, but you are divided. I wun keep pushing or edging you, and start daydreaming about myself enjoying the sights and sounds of overseas life. To me, you choose, I won't take sides to keep urging or dissuade you from going.

Anyway,what pleases you? I duno, i think i lost that... and i think its only human in me, or it can be any other man.... upon receiving this kind of treatment will have a punctured confidence and losing his voice in a relationship.

Anyway, i know you despise my family, my background. It's ok. But i think you got it wrong that u think i m not a fighter, i am a fighter, I am not throwing in the towel . Now , i just lost alot of my confidence thanks to the scoldings that i receive on almost a daily basis, but I will make sure i get some where, just that now i need to get my bearings.

Just continue to insult me and my family.

And if you want to walk away, I won't stop you. You deserve a more driven guy, someone who won't feel down after being scolded by you on almost a daily basis.

I am disappointed.

I am a leech?

I neva knew I was hindering him in his career
I neva knew he was suffering in P*C coz of me
I neva knew he thought I was leeching on him to go London

I feel wronged.
And upset.
Neva felt this way in all the fights and quarrels.
Coz this time I'm accused.
I'm accused of being in the way.
Wasn't I supporting him to get a job? TO urge him to be more proactive.

I dun even want to continue. Coz I'm really at a loss for words.
And I have much more to say but just dunno how to.
I'm confused, perplexed, helpless.

The Spa

So the afternoon was spent at the ARAMSA Spa at Bishan Park. Didnt really take photos.. took these when the boy was 'steaming' himself.. =p

Ambience was really not bad.. very nice I must say.. for a spa tucked in the heart of bishan park.

We had a nice scrub and a massage after. Dearie seemed to love it.. but.. the massage was abit too much for me - i'm aching now..i will opt for the scrub ONLY the next time i visit. But overall, I will give it 3 stars out of 5. 1 star down for the too-hard-to-take massage, and another star down for the massage room being too quiet - no soothing music, no water sounds/ birds chirping etc??? I think Dearie really likes being pampered like that.. next one - - -> SPA Botanica OK?

No shopping for you today, just spa and movie.. are you happy yet?

[to you: thanks for everything, i love you!]

Disappointment

So this is called love.
So this is called bliss.
So your tolerance is such.
So your patience is such.
So I actually mean nothing.
So this is all a faux.
So it's finally come to an end.
.................................................

The New Year

Our new look for the chinese new year!

THe boy complained the lack of pictures on da blog, hence I shall start the ball rolling..

New hairdo for us both.. the boy with ah beng highlights.. and myself, with new curls.. think he don't like it very much =(

Smooth.... the only thing that is....

Shilly is best to me.. coz she will:

1. Drive from home to town to fetch me home when I end work late( about 830pm) today!
2. Make me feel happy even thou i know she is stressed and pissed at work
3. Change all her lunch appointments so that she can keep me company for lunch.

Today, she gave me the smoothest moment of the day when she took me home in a car. If i had taken the train, it would have taken me 1.5 hours to 2 hours get done and walk thru the door at home.

Shilly, I LOVE YOU!

Luaie and his real life

Watched "Dan and his real life". Luaie loved it. Laughed loudly. Laughed non stop. Thought was a so-so movie. But 'Dan' said something which struck me. Hard.
"Love is when he/ she makes you feel good about yourself" ~~ something along that line. Can't remember exactly the lines.
THen I felt guilty. and BAD. Coz I say things to hurt you. Coz I do things to hurt you. BUt you never stopped loving me. Never gave up on me.
But I really want you to know. You are the best. Really. No matter what you do. No matter what others say. No matter what I say. I say things out of spite, and too many times, I've hurt you deep. I'm really proud to have you. Proud to be called your gf. Proud to be wearing your ring. Proud to be in your presence. Proud to be your wife(to-be). I'm.. just proud of you, can't you tell. For everything that you are. For what you are.
So, the movie taught me something. Taught me something that was right in my face, but too proud to admit it.
Where else can I find a guy like you?
Someone so giving
Someone with such a big heart
Someone who places me as no. 1
Someone who listens
Someone who bears my rantings
Someone who tolerates
Someone so patient
Someone so forgiving
I must be so lucky to have you. Really. I promise to make things good. For life. For us.
Yes, to me you are PERFECT!

I love you, Luaie. *Hugz*

The one with the low cash....

Our house hunting "season" begun way before "to me you are perfect", but however, has so far been nothing encouraging. The first foray begun when we attempted to ballot for a flat in Commonwealth in early 2007 before our increment came in.

After that ballot exercise where only 300 odd flats were available and over 10,000 applicants appiled, all we got were blank draws from many a resale flat seller or new condos which were too attractive but meant that we had to pay cash to finance the loan.

The 2 main reasons for our predicament are :

1. We had no money to make the owner want to sell leh in the sellers market where exorbitant 50-100k above valuation meant that COLD HARD CASH, has to be paid and cannot be extended to us in a form of a loan.

2. We had exceeded the limit of the S$8k combined income cap, meant that we are priced out of HDB's goods to offer and also losing our stab at the $30k grant, for 1st time buyers and also the much lower interest rate of the hdb housing loan(about 1 plus % below that of a Bank loan)

So on Sunday, 06/01/2008, a viewing opportunity of some 4 room flats in Bishan popped up and we went by too take a look. One caught our eye and particularly was not asking exorbitant cash up front.

It was a 4A Corner unit, mid-floor located in the vicinity of Bishan Park.

1st impression when we got to the house was that it was lively and the living and dining area were big. The flat was nicely maintained and had some recent renovations taking the form of the downlights and door facade (feng shui set up). The price of the flat was also "delicious" considering the hefty prices sellers are lelonging at these days. S$20K above the Valuation was a decent sum for this unit and we were really set on paying ard this amount give and take S$5k

So we took a 2nd viewing appointment with the agent, hoping to secure it by offering our sincerity in a cheque, with my mum, and low and behold, we found a LEAKING SEWERAGE PIPE. So there it ends and our offer cannot get any higher with that prospect on mind.

So the agent badgered and badgered. came up with lots of tactics!
1. offer higher, seal the deal wif S$3k more.
2. Eat his commission so that we can have the place

Well, this is not to be, so here we are hanging ard again looking for a flat.

That's our 2nd close shave with buying a place to stay!

Shilly, don't worry, we will find our place soon and very soon, okay? Be patient.
We just have to make the price right for us!

Prologue

Ahhhh.... the beginning of new life.

I started this blog so that we can document our times (good and bad), our visions, our good, our bad, our future, our family, from the moment I say " to me, you are perfect!" to you, Shilly, til the end of the road(probably either when blogspot goes BUST, or when we both die and cannot post on blogspot from heaven's internet).

Shilly, do treat this blog special, so that we can look back in life and reminiscent the facets of our journey on this long and beautiful road to eternity.