A letter to God

Dear God,
I've failed you. In this holy week, where I pledge to be at peace with myself and not carry anger with me, but alas I did. I told myself not to flare up at him no matter what. JUst because it's holy week, and it's a time for penance and fasting. And i thought if I were to carry my plan through, I will apply it to my everyday life - i wont get angry over petty things anymore.
Ever since I came to know you better, I see a change in me that HE did not. I admit my mercenary ways, my hope of getting wealthier, of having a comfortably life. Of coz I still wish I could live comfortably, but that's not my priority anymore. I'm happy with my life now. I'm happy with what I'm earning. Happy that I'm blessed with such a beautiful home, beautiful family and a beautiful love. I do not dare to ask for more. The financial crisis hit me hard. I am embroiled in the biggest laughingstock in the banking world. Uncertainties filled me. Fear engulfed me. I lived everyday of the past 6 months in darkness, not that anyone else can see. I'm good at disguise. BUt I know You can. When you listen to me at night. The fear of losing my job, fear of landing in big debts, fear of losing my home, was almost overwhelming. I handled everything myself. Never once did I hear HIM console me about my predicament. Nor to tell me that God is with me. God has plans for us. For HE does not believe you Lord. But I do now. I know you have big plans for me. I know im not alone. THe fact that I'm still employed now must be the works of Your hand. I'm very consoled. I cant ask for more.
As I inch towards my baptism, to become One with you, I promised to become a better person in every way. I will not hunger nor thirst anymore, because I know you will provide. Hence, the biggest change in me, is probably surrendering myself to You. Knowing that everything is taken care of. I do not crave for big pay packages, nor luxurious living anymore. Yet HE does not see this change.
Throughout my entire RCIA journey, I have not heard a single word of encouragement nor prayer to support me. Nothing. I choose to think HE's not a very open person with his prayers. I always liked having a husband who is a church-goer, and who can lead me in my prayers too. But not HIM.
I must say I'm sorely disappointed. Because although He's there with me in every class, I dont feel He is guiding me or supporting me very much.
Now, HE thinks that I want him to sell all his possessions. I have no intention for that. What I meant was that we should be contented with what we have, with what You have given us. Everything else is a bonus. If we do not have any commitments, I will definitely say BUY. But now, we have so many commitments, and with this recession, I'm not sure if we should over-indulge. I'm more worried about HIM being able to recover his cashflow than anything else. So why does he not understand?
I pray that you watch over and protect us, and reveal Yourself to us so that we may be guided onto the right path. Help us to grow in love every day of our lives.
Thank you Lord.
Amen.

Please forgive me

Dearie,
I'm really sorry for what I did today. I know it caused a scar, and a visible scar. A scar that will remind us everyday of what happened today. I'm sorry I couldnt control my temper. I'm sorry that I hurt you so deep. I know you are heartbroken, and I know no matter what I say now, it will not heal the scar.
I promise you that I will not flare up like today. I promise I will try to control my temper. I promise that I will not be so rash anymore. I promise to be your good gf, and your good wife in future. I will put you before myself. I will not neglect your feelings. But at the same time, can you also try to understand our predicament? Try to understand where I'm coming from? And also try to be a bit less stubborn?
We both want to be together, till we are old and greying right? So can we please work hard together at our rs? Everytime we get angry, lets just calm down, not provoke each other further, but work things out together peacefully.
Can we not let our EE go to waste? Let's remember it well, remember what was taught, remember what we should do to maintain our rs well.
I love you dearie, and I know I've caused you so much disappointment and hurt. And today, I did not expect to be capable of doing such a thing. I'm very sorry, and I cannot forgive myself.
So to make things up, I will thrive to make things better in future. I know that we both are jumpy, becoz we both want a perfect home and wedding, but under so many constraints. Let us be understanding to each other, and set the perfect home for you and I.
Please forgive me.

Weekend of our Discovery

Shilly,

I know we always quarrel, but it is always trivial.

I am sorry if i have always been short tempered and i know i am always fast to anger....

I think some times the words u say can put me on the defence, especially when u say things that mean something to me, i feel threatened.

And also i get really affected when its like i dun get to hear wat u have got to say...

Thank you for taking this step with me, going thru EE and also attending RCIA to journey on life together. I know we can make it.! lets not doubt or poke at each other, but if there are things that u feel not right, we can chat on it... in a peaceful manner....

Anyway, i can't sleep, coz of work and also anxiety about getting the keys tomorrow.
EXCITED!... a place.... lets discuss on our reno plans and let our discussions take root into how the reno will be done.

Also, this week will be eventful, our anniversary, our house keys, my last day.. altogther in one week....

From Kuwait:

Shilly! I Miss YOU!!!!! DO YOU MISS ME??? HA!

Leave!

Finally able to take leave! And the day was spent..... at Sentosa!!! Burning ourselves under the scorching sun.. Not many photos, so here goes:

And then, we went all the way to RELISH, to find that it's closed for lunch at 3!!! =(

We settled for the Sakae buffet... and perhaps it was the sun.. but for the record, Dearie whopped down 2 bowls of udon, 4 servings of fruit (shared with me), 2 mochi ice cream, among other many plates of sushi. And here's the satisfied dearie after all the food..

See the picture perfect Luaie??? YOURmodel pose ... hiak hiak..

And the day was gone.. just like that..

But I'm contented, and wish everyday will be like today.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

At this stage, nothing I say will change things.
So why post on the blog?

Well, looking back, the motivation has been depleted as most of the time I am taking lashings

Almost everything I do on a daily basis, gets a reprimanding. Even when i take time to swallow things in my mouth before answering, I get a lashing for not answering fast enough.

Things like what i say to others in front of you, I get scolded also coz my words don't seem to come out right (to you only or to the person, i dunno). But nothing that i do seem to not get a comment from you.

Decision to not do certain things at certain times, also gets scolding.

Yesterday, the intention was simple, since you told me its your dream/obejective to work overseas, then i feel that you should have stayed on and guarantee your ticket to do so. That is an attitude of a fighter. That aim will motivate you. So thats all i asked or probed for. IF i had said things in the wrong context or make things sound bad I apologize. Guess the break it part was the leeching bit.

I don't ask for equal standing, but at least, if we want to do it, we don't need to have to worry if the other has no job, or no independecy in securing a future. If we put things into perspective on a role reversal, if i so damned wish i can work overseas, i will make sure i can get there and if any chance of other opportunities come along i will weigh in the fact if i can or cannot develop that new path overseas. If i cannot, I may have 2nd thoughts and if i choose the latter i will be prepared not to be able to go. So if say you, you get a chance to go now, but you are divided. I wun keep pushing or edging you, and start daydreaming about myself enjoying the sights and sounds of overseas life. To me, you choose, I won't take sides to keep urging or dissuade you from going.

Anyway,what pleases you? I duno, i think i lost that... and i think its only human in me, or it can be any other man.... upon receiving this kind of treatment will have a punctured confidence and losing his voice in a relationship.

Anyway, i know you despise my family, my background. It's ok. But i think you got it wrong that u think i m not a fighter, i am a fighter, I am not throwing in the towel . Now , i just lost alot of my confidence thanks to the scoldings that i receive on almost a daily basis, but I will make sure i get some where, just that now i need to get my bearings.

Just continue to insult me and my family.

And if you want to walk away, I won't stop you. You deserve a more driven guy, someone who won't feel down after being scolded by you on almost a daily basis.

I am disappointed.

I am a leech?

I neva knew I was hindering him in his career
I neva knew he was suffering in P*C coz of me
I neva knew he thought I was leeching on him to go London

I feel wronged.
And upset.
Neva felt this way in all the fights and quarrels.
Coz this time I'm accused.
I'm accused of being in the way.
Wasn't I supporting him to get a job? TO urge him to be more proactive.

I dun even want to continue. Coz I'm really at a loss for words.
And I have much more to say but just dunno how to.
I'm confused, perplexed, helpless.